Vanessa Gorman > Journal October 2000

Journal - October 2000

Photo of Vanessa Gorman People still ask me how I ’m doing. Not as often as they once did but often enough to make me grateful they haven’t forgotten. ‘Up and down,’ I say, still using my shorthand forthe roller-coaster.
But now this double whammy.The two most precious things in my life, both gone. Stella asked how I was and I found myself telling her I was on the edge of what feels bearable. When the waves of grief break over me, that is the shore I wash up on – the rocky edge of what feels bearable.

But sometimes I have been washed up and over the rocks and on to a tiny patch of shimmering sand. It’s like I have no fear any more of emotional pain. I just surrender to it or sob with a friend down the phone or lie on my bed and let the pain wrack my body. And I know from the experience of the last eight months that if I let myself do this, in time, maybe fifteen minutes later, maybe four hours later, I will cycle back into the light. So I surrender to my sorrow with great trust, and twice now, in the depth of my despair, with tears streaming down my face and my voice almost broken, I have felt my heart start to resonate with joy.

In these moments I feel almost exultant in my pain, as though it is taking me to the deepest part of myself and setting me free.

I understand it is my love that has taken me to this place of despair and my love that will guide me back to the light.

Layla’s gifts have been extraordinary and this is perhaps her greatest.